Existence
by D-chan
Summary: Seitenfic :: violence, mild language, shounen ai, mild adult situations :: A look at events through Seiten Taisei's eyes as he experiences birth, freedom, longing, imprisonment, and his lovehatred for the sun.


**:: Existence ::**

_Gensomaden__ Saiyuki_

Disclaimer: I don't own Gensomaden Saiyuki, which rightfully belongs to Minekura Kazuya.

Rating: PG-13

Pairings: one-sided Seiten Taisei/Konzen, hinted Konzen/Goku, one-sided Seiten Taisei/Sanzo, Goku/Sanzo

Warnings: violence, mild language, shounen ai, angst, mild adult situations

Notes: A Seiten-fic that Nikki prompted. I think it was the sheer lack of Seiten Taisei that made us both sad, and I really do love it when I get the chance to write about the greatest homicidal demon ever. This is a fic solely about Seiten Taisei, going from the events of Gaiden all the way through the battle with Kougaiji near the end of the first anime series.

It's also the first fic I've written since I've moved. Inspiration's been building up inside for over a month, and I'm happy with the end results. There's a lot of Seiten Taisei fury ahead. Constructive criticism and feedback are still as appreciated as ever.

* * *

The very first thing I saw was the moon. It was eerie, so strangely beautiful. To my newborn eyes it seemed so bright, a blinding white against the nearly black, starless sky. I would later see and learn what stars were, but for some reason they were absent on the night of my birth. Maybe they weren't there because they sensed my existence was forbidden.

I never did completely understand that; why my existence was forbidden, I mean. The morons who made up that rule were the gods in the heavens, beings I would have never known if they'd just left me alone.

I hate them for what they did.

The very next morning I felt the sun for the first time. It was so wonderful, so warm. I could tell the sun loved me even if the stars hadn't. The sun was brighter than any star, and later I would learn that it was really the sun's efforts that lit up the moon. That morning was blissful. I wandered around my mountain -- since I was born there my territorial instincts insisted it was mine -- and felt the grass against my bare feet and legs. I had been born naked and never even considered covering up. None of the animals around me thought anything of it. I think they actually took to me quite well.

By midday I was hungry, so I wandered even further down in search of food. The thought of killing any living, breathing thing had never occurred to me. I was attracted to some bright red raspberries, and those were delicious.

Then they found me. I was confused at first, wondering who these strange creatures were. They looked a little like me, except they didn't have claws, they had somehow pulled their hair into a weird round thing, and they were covered in fabric I was to learn were clothes. Upon seeing me they immediately pounced. I was far too confused to react at first, and when I finally did it was sheer animalistic instinct. I lashed out. My claws caught one of their arms, spilling a substance as red as the raspberries I had just eaten. Unlike the raspberries, this strange thing yelled out in pain. I stopped then, and my hesitation cost me. They shoved a strange object on my head. It fit too snuggly, hurting my skull, and I remember crying out in pain.

I must have blacked out, because when I was aware of myself again I wasn't in the wilderness anymore. In fact, I wasn't even myself. I had the strangest feeling that I was watching everything through someone else's eyes. I heard thoughts that weren't mine.

By the time I'd realized what had happened I had lost any control over the body. I was horrified, angry, scared... so many conflicting emotions. I was in my body, yes, but there was another presence; another _mind_. Who was this stranger? Why was he in my head? What had I done to have my space violated like this?

The other mind had so much control that he didn't even seem aware of me. He moved my mouth to say something in a language I couldn't understand, but I could sense the meaning through his thoughts. "_Where are you taking me? You said I'd get some food! I said that hurts! Let me go!_"

Let him go? Let _me_ go! I hated this new presence. I wanted to be rid of him. I had no idea where he came from, but I eventually would realize that he was only present when that strange thing was in my head.

The creatures that had captured me were dragging me through strange corridors. I was scared, wishing I could be back on my mountain. Why couldn't I just live in my own home? Why were these chains on my wrists and ankles? Why was I being held captive like a criminal? Later I would hear them say that my birth was the problem; my existence was the reason they had to restrain me.

I already hated them, these creatures. I hated all of them, every last one of them.

And then I saw the sun.

It wasn't the same sun I'd seen that morning. It wasn't round and didn't radiate warmth that touched my skin. But the instant I saw him I felt at ease, my anger draining almost immediately. I felt so comfortable. My eyes were caught by his hair. It shone and I had the sudden irrational thought that if I could touch those strands of physical sunlight I would always have the sun.

The other presence seemed to like this strange-looking sun as well. I felt jealousy as he got to my feet, moving up to the sun. The sun-creature was taller than I was, but the strands of light were within reach.

"_Wow_," my other mind said stupidly. I wanted to smack him. Unfortunately I couldn't, and even if I could I would technically only be hitting myself.

The sun-creature regarded me with little interest. "_What do you want?_"

"The sun," I wanted to say. "You. You're the sun. I want to be with you forever."

The words didn't come out as I'd wanted. The other presence had too much control. "_Your hair,_" he said eagerly, using _my_ arm to do what _I_ wanted to do as he reached out and took some strands in _my_ hand. "_It's shining. Like the sun!_"

The sun-creature seemed even more surprised than I did. "_Like the sun?_" he repeated. I hated the way he seemed startled and wasn't disgusted or annoyed with the other presence's childishness. It meant he was already, on some level, taking a liking to that presence.

That wasn't _fair_.

What happened next delighted me. The other presence, being the obvious idiot he was, grabbed a hold of the sun-creature's hair and pulled. There was a ripping sound and the strands of sunlight fell from the sun-creature's head. The sun-creature instantly changed, twitching as the idiot presence used my face to smile stupidly and say, "_My bad..._"

The sun-creature made a strange shrieking noise. I loved that noise, loved the anger it showed. I loved the way the sun-creature was instantly on me, beating me -- or technically, the other presence -- over the head for being an idiot. I couldn't feel the pain, perhaps because I wasn't the foremost mind in my body.

Somehow the incident ended up with the sun-creature having to care for me. That made me happy at first. Surely I could eventually regain control of my body. The sun-creature didn't have a good impression of the other presence. If I could just make myself known... perhaps he'd be more inclined to share his warmth with me. Maybe he could help me get rid of that other presence completely.

It didn't work.

Whoever the other presence was, he was powerful. He caused so much stupid mischief; half the time he didn't even realize he was doing something bad, but the other half I could sense through his thoughts that he was only doing it to get attention from the sun-creature. He wanted the sun-creature -- who he and everyone around him would call _Konzen_ -- to give him a name. The sun-creature gave him a name: Goku. His reasons pleased me, as he said it was short and simple enough for the idiot to understand.

Finding out the meaning of the name didn't please me at all. I overheard it while Goku was oblivious, hearing the man he called _Ten-chan_ say that his name meant "one who can perceive what others cannot." It's too good a name for him, too close to rivaling the importance of the meaning of mine: Seiten Taisei, the great sage equal to Heaven.

I hated -- and still do hate -- Tenpou Gensui.

There was another heavenly creature that Konzen didn't seem to care much for. His name was Kenren Taishou, a general in Heaven's Western army. A lot of his comments seemed to put my sun-creature off, though neither Goku nor I really understood what the Kenren creature meant by them. The sheer fact that I couldn't understand him annoyed me. Goku seemed to like him, which only made me dislike him more.

Sometimes I even hated Konzen for growing too attached to the false me. I never thought of Goku as a part of me; he was a fake, an intruder in my world. He violated my space, pushing me aside and using all that free room for his inane thoughts.

He made friends with a pale little creature named Nataku, claimed that Nataku was his best friend, but in the end it was always Konzen he was thinking about, always Konzen he was running to. And Konzen let him.

I remember the day Goku went out to meet Nataku when he came back from some mission or another. It started out as a wonderful day for me; Heaven's puppet seemed to have finally seen Goku for who he really was because he completely ignored him. I was gleeful. I finally had an ally of sorts. Nataku, along with his father creature, were in my good graces at that moment.

I enjoyed watching through my eyes as Goku ran, enjoyed listening to his wild thoughts. So many senseless, childish things ran around in his part of my mind. _Why did he ignore me? Didn't he see me? Didn't he hear me? Does he hate me? What'd I do? I thought we were friends... Nataku. Nataku! Nataku!_

I watched as he cringed from Tenpou's touch, giggled silently as he avoided Kenren. He was alone now, felt alone just because one person ignored him. He was selfish, wanting attention from so many people. I only wanted the sun; I only wanted Konzen. I wasn't selfish.

Then he saw Konzen. The sun-creature looked startled, probably wondering why Goku seemed so agonized. He opened his mouth, only managing to say, "_What--_" before Goku ran.

Not away.

Ran into Konzen, wrapping _my_ arms around him, clinging and pressing _my_ face into Konzen's leg. Jealousy seared through me as I willed Konzen to push him away as he usually did. But he did nothing. He just demanded of Tenpou and Kenren what had happened, and when he got no answer he put a hand on my head.

Comforting Goku. Not touching me, not giving his warmth to me. Giving it to _Goku_. The idiot was crying on the inside, though he had enough power to not physically cry. I was fiercely glad about that; I didn't need him getting more attention from Konzen. My Konzen. My sun.

I hated Goku so damn much.

Little incidents like that only made my anger grow. I began to despise anything living and breathing, even my love for Konzen twisting and turning into something different. I hated him for caring for Goku, hated him for liking that moron without realizing that the true "Goku" was really Seiten Taisei. _I_ was, and still am, the real possessor of this body.

Then came the first day of my revenge. It was the day Nataku was ordered to kill me, to kill Goku. Tenpou and Kenren were hurt in the scuffle, and just when Heaven's puppet had his sword at my throat Goku smiled a pained smile and introduced himself.

"_Nataku... my name is Goku. Nice to meet you."_

It was the first time he had ever revealed his name to Nataku. Heaven's puppet stopped, staring. I watched in fascination as tears made their way from his eyes, then in delight as he abruptly turned his sword on himself. He drove the massive blade into his shoulder, sending blood spraying. Goku's presence was suddenly quiet, stunned at the display. Horror tore through him next, and then maddening anguish. He let out a loud scream and then I felt the biggest waver. His hold over me was slipping. I seized the opportunity and drove through that opening. It forced him to realize I was there, and then he grew frightened. His screams were louder, but my animalistic yells were penetrating through it.

"I hate you," I told him spitefully. "I'll kill every last one of them, even my sun."

I crushed his presence down, forcing him into the hole I'd been stuck in for weeks. I found myself on the floor, legs folded beneath me. My eyes were closed and I kept them that way a couple moments longer, savoring as I finally felt physical sensations. There was a cool wind on my skin, tousling my long hair. I had my claws back; I could feel them poking my clenched fists. I unclenched them and opened my eyes, smirking.

I was free.

Without Goku there to comprehend the language I couldn't understand what anyone was saying. I merely sensed their chaos and loved it. I reached up with two fingers, pleased to find my ears delightfully pointed again. I could hear so much better, could smell better, could sense energy pressing on my skin.

In a testing move my hand lashed out, grabbing the nearest face and tearing it clear off. Blood sprayed. Goku was shrieking in the back of my mind. I laughed. It was so much fun! Revenge suddenly didn't matter so much, because this was just too damn fun. I deserved to have my fun.

I moved, hindered by the chains but still moving at a speed that frightened them. I grabbed someone's arm and tore it clear off from the elbow down. Blood sprayed over me and I eagerly licked the substance, reminded of the raspberries back on Kaka mountain. This was better than raspberries, less sweet and richer, thicker. It was filling and absolutely delicious.

In the back of my mind Goku fell quiet from nausea. He was crying, fearing for everyone around him... mostly fearing for his friends. It reminded me of my original intent.

I whirled on Tenpou first. I hated him so much, hated him for revealing Konzen's careful intent with Goku's name. I rushed at him but Kenren intercepted. Amazingly he managed to block me, even throw me back. He shouted something unintelligible.

Nataku's father attempted to attack me, which was annoying. I had thought of him as an ally of sorts, but that stupid move made me no longer care. I tore out his eye. I was having so much fun, so delighted to be free. And then he came in.

Konzen was in the doorway, panting, breathless. I regarded him, smirking. He was staring at me, and he said one word I was able to recognize.

"_Goku_..."

I snarled. "I'm not Goku! He's not even a real person! The only reason he exists is because they put that stupid thing on my head!" I shrieked at him, but he didn't seem to comprehend. He instead gave me a dark look, clearly telling me wordlessly that he hated me. He hated me because I wasn't Goku.

I moved in with every intent to kill. Goku screamed the sun-creature's name, yelling at me, saying things I was able to understand as, "_Don't hurt him! Leave him alone! Don't you dare hurt him!_"

I would have ignored him and killed the sun-creature if that woman hadn't appeared out of nowhere. I glimpsed an amused smirk, and then felt a fist connecting with my gut. Unlike the other pathetic moves against me, this _hurt_. I gagged, knocked back a considerable distance. I didn't know what she was thinking, but I did know she was going to kill me.

_I hated all the gods._

Her next blow jarred my thoughts, sending me across the floor. I hit my head and gave a cry of agony. Goku was cringing; he was scared, not wanting to die. Like hell I wanted to die either!

I wanted to move. I was going to. But then Konzen was in front of the woman, snarling something at her. She smirked at him, then punched _him_ in the stomach. I watched in surprise as he doubled over, choking. My hatred faded a bit and I wanted to reach out. The woman was saying something I still couldn't understand. I started to sit up bit felt a sharp pain in the back of my head that made me collapse. I must have fallen harder than I'd believed...

My vision swarmed. I had the vague sensation of being lifted and when I blinked to clear my vision I realized I _had_ been lifted. There were arms cradling me close, straining to hold my weight. Goku and I realized who it was at the same time.

"_Konzen,_" he told me softly. I ignored him, curling up slightly into Konzen. He was holding _me_ protectively. I still couldn't understand what he was saying, but Goku seemed to hear it. "_Konzen will protect us,_" he told me. "_And Ten-chan... and Ken-nii..._"

I told him to shut up. It was the first time I was being held by the sun and I didn't want the moment ruined. Unfortunately, I passed out shortly afterward.

When I was conscious again I only vaguely realized I was in a room, only dimly noticed that I was lying on my back. I could sense rather than see Konzen beside me, and his worried voice barely reached my ears. All I could think about was how much pain I was in. I gasped, upon awakening, whimpering and writhing weakly where I lay. There was a cold cloth on my head; the rest of my skin felt feverish. I swam in and out of consciousness; I have no idea how long I was like that. When I was unconscious I would dream, and in my dreams I saw Goku.

I didn't really see him, but I could sense him; my mind could give him a shape and form. He looked like me, had the same hair, same color eyes, but he was too different. His pupils were round, his expression naive and oblivious most of the time. His ears were rounded, not any good for hearing, his claws blunt and useless. I glared at him. I hated talking to him. He would mostly talk to me, asking so many annoying questions, trying to get me to reveal more of myself. He didn't understand me. He wanted to know where I came from.

I wanted to know where _he_ came from. When I told him so, I scathingly told him what I thought, told him how much I hated him, how he'd taken so many important things from me: my life, my sun, my _body_. I yelled at him because I couldn't hurt him in my mind, not physically.

When I was awake I only felt throbbing pain, and the only thing on my mind was how much I wanted to cling to Konzen. I felt like being held by him would make all the pain go away. I grew angry when he didn't realize how much it would help, and much of the gratitude I'd felt toward him died and was replaced with disgust.

There was one point where I felt too weak to even open my eyes, but I was aware enough to hear Tenpou inform Konzen of what was going on. I found out that the entire heavenly army was after them -- after us -- because Konzen had committed a crime by running off with me. I immediately loved him again, instantly forgave him of everything for risking his life for me. If he saved my life there was a good chance he realized that I was the real Goku, and if we got out of this alive then he could come to discover _me_. Maybe _then_ he would realize how worthless Goku was. I at once wanted to get up, to kill the morons after us.

I was so preoccupied with that, I nearly missed Tenpou also telling Konzen that the reason I was so weak was because Goku and I were fighting to dominate the body. He referred to us as "alternate personalities." I vowed to kill him for being so stupid.

I fell unconscious again, and this time I was the one to confront Goku. "Your stupid friend says you're trying to take over _my_ body, and that's why I'm so weak," I snarled. "Stop it! Go away!"

Goku was so stupid, so pathetically weak, I expected him to cower at my anger. Instead he shook his head, insisting that he had to see Konzen. "_I miss him... I just want to see him for a little while! Kanzeon hurt him, and I wanna make sure he's okay._"

I shrieked. "This is my body! You don't belong here! Get out! I hate you!"

Goku was shaking, but he yelled back. "_I hate you, too! You hurt so many people, and you nearly got Ten-chan and Ken-nii killed! It's your fault Konzen's in trouble!_"

"He's only in trouble because you took him from me!"

"_Did not,_" he insisted. "_I didn't even know you were there! I woulda shared--_"

"You don't know how to," I growled. "You're selfish! You try to keep everyone. I just want Konzen! He's my sun!"

"_He's my sun too--_"

"He can't be yours too!" I shrieked. I mentally pushed at him, wanting to be rid of him. "Get out! Get _out_!"

He seemed to be on the verge of crying. He had the nerve to glare at me. But he had nothing to say, and then I suddenly felt a strange pain. I cried out, remembering the time the strange circular object was put on my head. It was the same sensation. Stunned, I could only whimper in pain as Goku faded out and I was left alone. I struggled to wake, but when my eyes were opened it was the same as looking through a window.

Goku was conscious. Not me. I'd been cheated and I had lost my body for the second time.

Things only went from bad to disastrous after that. I was once again a spectator to events; I watched as Tenpou and Kenren fought. In the end they were caught and lead away. Konzen and I were hiding somewhere and tried to run when the chance arose; that had been their brilliant plan. Create a diversion so Konzen and I could escape.

My body was still weak after the mental battles, and in the end I was forced to watch as Konzen struggled as well. I was caught, though I gave Goku grudging credit for making use of some of my strength to wrench free of his captors and try saving the sun-creature. He ran to Konzen. From the corner of my eye I saw a soldier raise his sword, ready to defy the laws of heaven and kill me. Goku was oblivious, too intent on getting to Konzen.

That was the reason Konzen moved, shoving me down and out of firing range. He made a strange strangled noise, and Goku scrambled to my feet. He used my voice to scream Konzen's name and I simply stared as his blood stained his ethereal white clothing. It didn't excite me as it had the last time. It did anger me, but Goku's numbness started to creep into me and I only watched as Konzen died.

It was an accident. But it happened.

Goku cried; trying to grab Konzen's body, still shrieking his name as tears ran down my face. The soldiers grabbed a hold of me, dragging me away. He still cried out for Konzen until his voice grew hoarse.

I curled into my mental hole. When I was able to feel again it was only hatred. Hatred for Goku's idiocy, hatred for Konzen's rashness, hatred for the gods that robbed me of my sun. And then, after the trials, hatred for the gods for taking Goku's memories and not mine. He had a clean slate, could no longer remember me or Konzen, nor any of his life before. I was left with my memories, and then was imprisoned in a mountain called Gogyo for five hundred years. Five hundred years of remembering, five hundred years for the fury to build. Five hundred years to grow insane, to want nothing but bloodshed.

Five hundred damned years of cursed memories.

Goku spent five hundred years being lonely. He strived to remember his past, wanting to remember things I wished I could forget. I was bitter.

After a while days blurred into each other. I began to see past images more than my surroundings, noticing them more than the other presence in my mind. I was lost in turmoil, confusing my emotions. Love and hate began to seem similar, blending and swirling until I came to decide that everyone was simply there for me to decide what to do with them. I could decide if they should live or die. I decided that everyone would be better off dead.

One evening I was curled up. Goku was struggling to sleep, and I was dreamily remembering all the blood I'd spilled, craving for the thick taste to touch my tongue again. I itched to have control just so I could put my claws to good use and tear something, anything open.

Then I was blinded by the sun. My thoughts raced. Konzen? Was it Konzen? Konzen was alive? Was he here to save me?

I was bitterly disappointed when I realized it wasn't Konzen. Oh, he looked very similar. He had the radiant golden hair and the piercing violet eyes, but the shimmer was dulled by its short cut, his eyes cold and unwilling to understand. I despised him for making a mockery of my sun. Goku was awed by him, and when the man grudgingly offered his hand, the idiot took it.

My body was free, but my mind was still trapped.

I observed this fake sun-creature through Goku's eyes, deciding that the more I saw the more I hated. I wanted to hurt him for making my ache when I saw him; he was a poor substitute for Konzen. I was disgusted to see that Goku was absolutely enraptured with the false sun-creature, horrible attitude and all.

Nearly six days after our arrival in my new home, a strange place they called a "temple" that the false sun-creature -- who Goku called _Sanzo_, an unfitting name that only mocked Konzen further -- an incident arose where I could break out again. The Sanzo-sun-creature had ordered Goku to stay in the food shed until he could figure out where to drop him off. It disappointed Goku because he wanted to stay with Sanzo. I was only too eager to leave.

It was well into the night when I was disturbed. There were voices outside, voices I still couldn't completely understand, though Goku did. He got to my feet, trembling. I heard his thoughts, his panic, and realized that there were creatures called _monks_ out there, creatures that Sanzo had warned him to stay away from. I was interested. I wanted to see these _monk_ creatures, perhaps because I hoped they were something like me: forbidden beings.

They busted down the shed door, shining a blinding light into my eyes. Goku cringed and covered my eyes, trying to get a better look. I was angry with what I saw; the _monk_ creatures were merely hairless versions of gods-- arrogant, condescending bastards I would only be too happy to rip to bloody pieces. In fact, the idea was very appealing.

However, Goku used my legs to run. I could sense his thoughts: _I can't let them see me. Sanzo'll be mad. I don't want Sanzo mad at me; if he's mad he definitely won't keep me! Where's Sanzo? Sanzo!_

I hoped Sanzo wouldn't come.

Goku ran, his thoughts still spinning wildly. It was more excitement than I'd had in over five centuries. I eagerly anticipated what would happen next, and soon enough it did happen: he was cornered. The monk creatures were babbling, frightening him. One reached out, trying to grasp the circular object on my head, something I had heard the false sun-creature call a _diadem_. I practically shrieked with delight; this creature was going to free me!

I knew he didn't remember me, but he must have on some unconscious level because Goku screamed and ducked, trying to bat the hand away. He yelled for them not to touch him even as his mind still cried out for Sanzo. I grew angry. He was taking away my freedom!

Then, miraculously, there was the familiar wavering of power. I leapt without thinking, forcing my way out. The transition was much faster this time; I pushed him back instantly, so hard that I could barely feel his presence. His mind must have shut down for the time being; he didn't die, but he was not responsive.

It was perfect. I emerged just in time to hear the false sun-creature yell something. I was silent, and when one of the monk-creatures made a baffled noise I struck. He managed to dodge, just barely, and my fist shattered the wall. The monk creatures broke out into chaos, running and hollering. I looked up, glaring hatefully at the Konzen-imposter. He glared back with the same look that had made me want to kill Konzen. He hated me, loathed me, and I wanted to kill him for it.

He said something that sounded like a provocation, and I attacked. He was chanting something, an ancient language that sent chills through me. I screamed, leaping to tackle him, and his hand shot out. His reflexes were better than Konzen's, which stunned me long enough. I stared at him, seeing a sudden double-image of him and Konzen.

This was still Konzen, reborn and far more jaded. I felt tears spill from my eyes, hot and stinging on my cheeks. I could feel Goku stirring inside me as Sanzo gave me a startled look that rivaled mine. Goku seemed to sense what I wanted to say, and somehow I was able to speak his language. It felt awkward on my tongue, and my voice was hoarse and shaky as I sobbed.

"I... I thought you... would abandon me," I choked, shaking as my sobs overcame me. I wanted to speak to him, speak to Konzen, but it was Sanzo who spoke, his voice quiet.

"I won't abandon you." I was amazed to understand, only dimly realizing it was because Goku was struggling to translate for me. "How could I leave an idiot like you by yourself?" I clenched my teeth, trying to stifle my cries. He whispered something in the ancient tongue again and then I blacked out, realizing too late that he was speaking to Goku... that he was bringing Goku back.

Not me. It was never me. Konzen, Sanzo, neither of them wanted to save me. Neither wanted me. They wanted Goku.

I _hated_ them.

I was bitterly imprisoned in my mind for an agonizing six years after that. Goku didn't remember me, nor what he'd done, but he knew of me because Sanzo told him. He met people who reminded me of the Kenren and Tenpou I hated so much. I grew impatient for bloodshed; they got into few fights, though all were mischievous and preferred to dance on the risky side of life.

Five years after Sanzo freed my body it happened. I'd dreaded it enough when I had been in heaven with Konzen, but it was even worse down here because I was growing to appreciate Sanzo more than Konzen. I'd known him longer, watched him longer, had grown pleased to note his darker side. It appealed to me like nothing else, because there were times I was positive he would shoot me through the head because Goku was a complete moron.

It was late, with rain pounding against the temple roof. Goku had some moronic idea in mind, one that made me scoff and half hope he would go through with it just so I could take pleasure in Sanzo beating him for trying. He creeped into Sanzo's room, finding him already in bed. He used my mouth to grin stupidly before he hurried forward, scrambling beneath the warm sheets.

Sanzo was awake at once, shoving at him. "_What the hell are you doing?_" I heard him demand.

"_Getting warm,_" Goku said impishly, making me wish I could smack him for being stupid. Luckily, Sanzo seemed to have had similar thoughts because he smacked me upside the head. I didn't feel it, but Goku yelped.

"_Get out,_" he said simply, flatly.

Goku didn't answer aloud, instead using my hand to reach down and grope Sanzo. I was taken aback by his directness, not expecting that despite his thoughts. Fantasies were different from reality, after all, and he'd never acted on those thoughts before. I heard Sanzo hiss and growl something, but Goku laughed and was on him. I willed Sanzo to grab his gun and shoot me, smack me, anything to get my body _off_ him. Goku didn't have the right to use _my_ body for anything like that.

And then, to my fury, Sanzo roughly returned Goku's actions. I shrieked inwardly, hate pounding through my head, not once stopping, and not once did Goku even feel the strength of my anger. I hated him, hated Sanzo, I _hated them!_

For the next year it happened so often that I finally managed to force myself into a secluded area where I wouldn't have to see, hear, or notice anything going on outside my body. I huddled up for a while; I lost track of time, knowing nothing but hatred, wanting nothing but revenge. I wanted to kill. I wanted to spill blood. I wanted to tear things apart with my teeth. My most vicious, wonderful fantasies were of me somehow getting my body back, somehow finding Goku in my likeness, and killing him brutally. I would claw out his eyes, tear up his face, rip limbs apart, gnaw on him, spill his guts, and only end his suffering when I felt satisfied enough to rip off his head. There was always so much blood, giving me so much pleasure to think about that it was likely akin to the pleasure most other creatures felt during sex.

When I finally did come out again it was in unfamiliar surroundings. I didn't care anymore at that point; I'd simply felt a wavering in Goku's power and I peeked out. He was frightened; someone had stabbed Sanzo and he was still bleeding. On one hand I was glad, because it was what he deserved, but another part of me was furious. Betrayer or not, that was still my sun! I thought of Konzen, and Goku picked up on it. I used that to my advantage, shoving him back again. This time he just fell, not fading, not panicking, simply watching and unsure how to react.

I emerged, felt my body adjust to what was most comfortable to me. I looked up, glancing Kenren and Tenpou's reincarnations, glimpsing my sun bleeding off to the side, and then a stranger holding a staff covered in blood.

He had hurt my sun.

He seemed delighted to see me, and I sensed nothing but bloodlust. The bloodlust may have been mine, may have been his. I wasn't sure. I just knew I wanted him dead. I moved quickly, slamming his face into the ground. He was shocked at my speed, though I was also surprised by his power. He kicked me back, though all I did was skid on the wet ground. I then realized it was raining.

Rain and blood. It sounded so pretty together. I lunged again, slashing at him, biting and snarling as he tried to burn me with his useless charms. I was oblivious to everything else. I'd been waiting too long. I wanted to _kill_.

I found an opening as he stumbled. I grabbed him by the arms, lunging my face forward and sinking my teeth into his shoulder. He yelled out, the yell turning into a full-fledged scream as I ripped a chunk of flesh free. Blood splattered by face as I eagerly chewed on the flesh, finally getting what I'd craved for centuries. I slurped up the blood, and when there was little left but the material of his cloak I tossed it aside and lunged at him.

I was blinded. I briefly saw his beads shine brilliantly, making me cringe. Along with the light came a painful noise that made me clutch my head and shriek. It didn't let up until he disappeared, saying something threatening.

I twitched; my lust hadn't been fed yet. I still craved blood, wanted to hear more screams of agony.

The perfect opportunity came as the red-haired creature walked toward me, stupidly calling me by the name I hated so much. I swung at him, intending to knock his head clear off his shoulders. He was frustratingly fast, dodging my attack. I snarled and he swung at me, giving me the chance to bite his arm. I tasted blood, blood that was better than the blood of the other creature I had torn the shoulder of. He beat me on the head but I hardly felt it, struggling to rip off his arm.

Then a strange woman's voice came out of nowhere, one I realized was centuries old but still familiar. I looked up, hateful, but a warm light stopped me. It was small and golden, floating down toward me. I stared, enraptured. It was like a small sun...

Then it became a ring, encircled my head, and I was forced to surrender my body to Goku's presence yet again.

* * *

I'm again in unfamiliar surroundings, but it doesn't perturb me in the least. This time I've been purposefully freed. Goku released me with the intent of saving Sanzo... but I don't intend to leave anyone alive.

Sanzo is to the side with the one they call Hakkai. He's unconscious, dying, and I decide to leave him as he is. The poison will eat at him in good time, will kill him if the desert heat doesn't do it first. A fitting death for the one I both love and hate.

The breeze is hot, stirring my hair. I smirk, eyeing the target before me. He is a demon, one who had the gall to challenge my greatness. I'll kill him. I'll prove who is superior.

I move quickly, silently. I'm behind him before he can realize what's going on. I attack, laughing. He's stunned, afraid of my speed and power. He tries using a trick he had used against Goku once, and I simply stand there and wait for it. I can prove my strength now and scare him further. I've grown addicted to fear, and the fear is so thick in this desert heat that I'm drunk off it.

His summoned fiend comes for me. Attacks. I stand there, letting it envelope me. I banish it back to where it had come from. I run forward, smirking. I can sense my victory. I punch him, knock him back. He staggers to his feet and I grab a handful of his thick hair, yanking. His eyes are wide, horrified. I take a vicious swipe at his chest, feeling his bones scrape beneath my claws. His scream is loud and horrible. I let him go and step back, eyeing the blood on my arm. I give him a smug look and bring my arm up, my arm dripping with his blood. I twist it, licking the blood off. He's gasping for breath, struggling to sit up. I jump on him, laughing and dragging my claws down his chest. He screams so loud, as though being consumed by fire. Perhaps that's what that sort of pain feels like. I almost wish I knew.

I hear someone trying to attack me from behind. I leap up and come back down, balancing on the fine edge of his sword. I shoot him a sneer, and I feel his fear as well. I kick him solidly across the face, rendering him unconscious. Practically purring, I turn to look at my last two conscious victims. The redhead, Gojyo, attempts to fight me. To no avail, of course. I block his attacks then give him a solid punch, grinning as I hear a rib crack. He collapses, hissing something at me. I don't bother to try to understand.

Goku is yelling at me inside, saying this wasn't what he wanted. I ignore him. He left this duty in my hands, and I'll do what I want now. I take orders from no one.

I raise my foot to crush Gojyo's head but am hit from behind. I shriek, stumbling as I struggle to find my footing. I whirl to face Hakkai, who has abandoned Sanzo to fight me. I'm sure they intend to replace that damned limiter.

Like hell I'll let them.

I attack and I can tell he's struggling to just dodge. It's both pleasing and frustrating. He managed to catch me underfoot, tripping me. He uses his weight to his advantage, pinning me to the sand. He yells something at Gojyo, who I see trying to grasp my diadem from the corner of my eye. He collapses. I sneer and kick viciously at the idiot atop me, sending him flying back into Gojyo, who had stupidly tried to get up again. My ear catches the sound of ribs breaking. Beautiful.

I tilt my head, watching as Hakkai tries to say something to the man I had kicked in the head. I grow bored quickly and dart forward, giving them both solid blows to render them all but motionless. In pain but not dead. I'll have to fix that. I raise my hand, eyeing Hakkai. Tenpou. I hate him so damn much, and I will gladly kill him first.

A gunshot makes me look up. Sanzo stands a ways to my right, glaring at me. He lowers the gun, aiming it at my head as I turn to face him, my other prey momentarily forgotten.

He says something. I narrow my eyes, only hesitating as a nearly-forgotten feeling inside me tells me to spare his life.

He speaks again. I banish the notion and attack.

I rush forward, snarling in fury. I'm prepared for a gunshot but he throws the weapon over his shoulder; a foolish move. I leap, and his knee comes up at the last moment, landing in the center of my stomach. I screech, falling back in the sand. He says something scathingly and I'm back on my feet, snarling. I rush again, not lunging this time; I never make the same mistake twice. I bring my leg up, catching him on the side of the face. He's already weak from the poison and is knocked back with little effort on my part.

I have to move quickly. I pounce on him, straddling his stomach and pulling my fist back. I'll bash his goddamn face in, beat it into a pulp.

Then he looks directly in my eyes and all I can see is Konzen. I waver, torn between killing him and wanting to cling to him. My fist clenches harder and I feel my body twitch as I struggle to come to a decision.

Scriptures erupt around me, frightening me. I make a strangled sound, looking at my sun-creature wildly. He's betrayed me again!

His hand moves forward, covering my forehead. He says a familiar chant, one I just hate so much. I want to cry right there; I just can't _win_! I'm the one with the miserable life, the one with everything taken away from me within the first day of my birth... and I can't win anything. I never got to truly satisfy my bloodlust, could never win my sun when competing against Goku... I don't even have my own body.

I hate my existence. It's as cursed as the gods say it is.


End file.
